Because it’s never the drivers fault

We’ve all had that feeling when driving early in the morning, you know the one where you arrive at work and can’t really remember the journey you’ve just taken. You can’t remember the countless roundabouts that you seamlessly navigated, the old lady who left her indicator on for 3 junctions or the poster for the new Justin Bieber album you drove past 64 times. It therefore could be said that drivers are not the most observant of creatures, so of course anything that can aid them in being safe should be applauded. Shouldn’t it?

The brainboxes at Volvo have come up with a very nifty bit of kit in order to help drivers spot cyclists in their vicinity. Apparently it works by making a succession of beeps and flashes when a careless cyclist pulls out from a junction in front of them eventually leading to the breaks being automatically slammed on to avoid collision.

Now I can hear what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “yeah that’s a good idea innit. Those bloody cyclists are always pulling out on me and nearly scratching my paint work”.

Now a lot of cyclists are wankers. Don’t get me wrong I am a cyclist and consider myself to be safe considerate, law abiding while on the road and therefore fall way outside the wanker marker but there are a lot that break the law and do stupid things. However cycling around London you can observe countless cases of cars pulling out on you at junctions, people on their phones while speeding past barely letting you hug the curb and everyone’s favourite move, driving right behind you at a snail’s pace as if it is you forcing them to do so.

I do actually however prefer the drivers who risk hitting me as they speed past as at least they are not patronising me while nearly killing me to save a few extra nanoseconds. The ones who pretend that they can’t get past me without squishing me even though there is plenty of room, they really piss me off. JUST GO AROUND ME!!

Anyway let’s bring this back on point. It is always the case in an accident or collision, as accident assumes no one is to blame, that the cyclist is asked, were you wearing lights and reflectors? It’s never the driver who is asked “were you being a dickhead and not looking out for someone that you might crush underneath your tires?”

Remember when Wiggins got knocked off outside that petrol station a few months after the Olympics? What was everyone asking? Yes you guessed it. Was he wearing lights? They didn’t ask if the driver was actually looking where she drove her two tonne vehicle!

The point to all of this is that drivers need less automatic devices and sensors to hide behind. They need to open their fucking eyes and stop thinking the road is their sole property and anyone else using it is an enemy to be berated and destroyed.

So Volvo from a lefty liberal cyclist, please stop making excuses for our drivers to stop using their brains. We wear flashing lights, high-vis jackets and reflectors, so just think for a second do you actually need an £1,850 piece of equipment or could you just use your eyes and ears instead maybe?  

I'm So Hungry I Could Ride a Horse to Death

A child growing up in the working class south of England in the 1990s was never too far from a dodgy burger stall. Cheap roadside burgers were nicknamed Shergar burgers, in reference to the famous European horse of the year 1981 that was stolen on 8 February 1983. He was taken from the Ballymany Stud, near The Curragh in County Kildare, Ireland by masked gunmen with the body never being discovered. Also inspiring several books, documentaries, and a film.

Now it seems these nicknames were more prophesy than humour.  It’s come to light in the last few weeks that certain food manufactures have been using horse meat as a cheaper alternative to beef. The controversy comes from the fact that the food still advertised itself as beef products. This has resulted in apparent outrage from somewhat mystified and corralled Asda customers all the way to number 10.

There is obviously a serious case of misrepresentation on the side of the food companies as they are misleading customers as to what their food contains. This is of course a very serious situation and one that should be handled in the courts in order for justice to be upheld.

Now having said that there does seem to be a massive, and when I say massive I mean so huge it could knock the moon out of orbit, contradiction here. Everyone is crowing about how it’s disgusting to have eaten horse meat when they thought they were eating beef.

We are used to breeding, slaughtering and eating cows as they have been doing that for hundreds if not thousands of years but horses are noble steeds to be ridden and raced too good, or should I say useful to be eaten.

In fact we love horses so much here in Britain that we all get together, get dressed up in silly hats with fruit on, stupidly high heels and absolutely fucking wankerish tweed suits with white checked shirts, not forgetting the flat caps of course, in order to watch them race or rather force them to be raced, in huge stadiums where the sweaty faced, porky, rich, pompous millionaire toss pots can fritter away their daddies hard inherited income.

Of course we love horse otherwise we wouldn't race them really fast around a track while whipping and kicking them in order to increase their speed. We also wouldn't make them jump over fences at 30 miles an hour so they fall over and break their legs. Then of course we wouldn't put up a little tent right there on the track and shoot them in the face in order to be “humane”.

As you can see we really love horses so that’s why we just get so bloody annoyed that horses are actually being used for something useful such as food, rather than a needlessly cruel and sick folly for the ignorant and bored upper classes or gambling addicts alike.

And now here is what the great British public have had to say on the subject:

The horse is Britain's totemic animal. Think of chariot burials, Celtic coins, white horses carved on chalk hillsides.

Jane Tozer, Helston, Cornwall

I feel her surname suitably sums her up quite well.

I remember the horse butcher in Sheffield in the early 1950s. My aunt used to buy meat for her cats there

Alec, Fethiye, Turkey

Very helpful towards the debate.

One possible reason which you haven't mentioned is the advent of Christianity in the British Isles and the campaign against pagan practices.

Brendan Sweeney, Copenhagen

Very good point Brendan. One that’s been widely missed by the majority of the population.   

I remember eating frikandels at school in Scotland at lunch.

Martin Craig, Assen, The Netherlands

That’s a lovely anecdote from Martin Craig there. Not sure if he’s understood the issues involved but lovely none the less.

And I feel this last one really sums this up quite nicely.

I remember seeing a sign in a Belgian butcher's which was next door to a betting shop that said "Get your revenge here".

Sandy Macdonald, Poole