Something I did before...

MONDAY, 8 NOVEMBER 2010

Was He a Good Guy?

Yes he tried to blow up the houses of parliament but would it have been a good thing and by celebrating his death are we doing the right thing? Also do we actually celebrate his death or has this day become like Christmas and just a money making commercial rip off with shit fireworks?

I have started with a lot of questions in this blog and to be honest I would be surprised if I managed to answer any let alone all of them.

So I start the only way I can and that is with my personal opinion about this subject. This however is harder than I thought it would be, being that I actually have very little knowledge of these events. Now I know what you are thinking this is most out of the ordinary for one of my blogs and I agree, I usually am in possession of all of the salient pieces of information but this time I'm gonna wing it!

As I understand guy fawks was a bit of a bin laden of his time and thought "I don't like those politicians so I'm gonna blow them up". This is where my facts run out.

I have found out since typing the first half of this essay, and it is an essay, that Fawkes wanted to kill the king for religious reasons.

Now I was annoyed when I discovered this as I was thinking he was a guy who wanted to show something to the world and change it for the better, where as in reality him and his mates on parliament hill just wanted a guy, or more accurately a girl and even more accurately the kings daughter, who followed their deluded religious beliefs, in the hot seat.

As we all know he and his gang did't succeed in their mission. The punishment I feel was harsh even taking into account that they tried to kill the king.

Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself. Guy was captured and tortured until he gave up the names of his accomplices, which he did after days of unimaginable pain. The sentence they were handed was death after being found guilty of high treason.

However the king was pissed and decided to not only kill them but quite literally cut their genitals off and burn them in front of their eyes, followed by a spot of hang draw and quartering, followed by bowel removal and ending in making them watch an entire series of the Catherine Tate show. One of these punishments is made up.

Guy Fawkes didn't fancy any of the above so took a dive off the top of the hanging gallery and broke his neck.

The king was a little annoyed by this and decided to still inflict the punishment on Guy even though he was actually dead and would no longer be bothered by it.

Well now for the conclusion... Guy Fawkes was a bit naughty trying to kill the king but cutting a guys nuts off and making him watch them burn? Seems harsh.

The Kings

I started listening to the Kings of Leon late. By late I mean just as they were becoming the “sex on fire” band that would be the best evidence that money erodes creative talent, since Elvis Presley went to Las Vegas. The kind of throw away trash pop rock music that should have been left to a Lenny Kravitz album filler track.

So I came in late but being somewhat of a geek when it comes to music I went back and bought all their previous albums. Listening to their first album Youth and young manhood and not understanding many of the words coming out of the lead singers mouth I found myself nodding my head along to it, not really knowing what he was saying but enjoying it none the less. The track Red morning light opens the album and instantly kicks you square in the jaw with its strong and fast guitar riffs then keeping you going with Happy alone a song about something you don’t really understand because you can’t hear the words but it doesn’t matter because you can hear and feel that it has soul and meaning whatever he is saying. The album seems to bring you back down with Wasted time but only for a few seconds before again lashing out at you with another quick slap to the face. The album continues very much in the same vein of slapping and kicking you with its drunken mumbling rock n roll and eventually leading to its big finish and possibly the best track on their album, if not their best song ever, Holly Roller Novocaine and then the eventual hidden bonus track to show off their bluesy soulful side 8 minutes and 21 seconds into the final track. All in all a great album.

Fast forward to Because of the times and the change is ridiculous. Now you can you hear every word he is saying but you wish you couldn’t. It seems that Caleb Followill was a little embarrassed by his somewhat flimsy lyrics in the early days that he used to mumble them through long curly hair and a distorted microphone.

Their latest offering Come Around Sundown includes possibly their worst ever song Radioactive where they become what they were inevitably heading towards which was a U2 tribute band. The video is enough to make you want to puke as it feature the band frolicking in the sun with a load of seemingly peasant black kids as if to say we love everyone and we are all the same. Although I agree that we are all equal and all that, this just feel like the most patronising way to show it. It could be said that they are protesting too much even? Who knows? The Guardian had this to say about the album “the Kings of Leon have largely chosen – albeit through audibly gritted teeth – to stick fast to the Bono-approved stadium rock that caused Pitchfork to dub them Y'all 2.” They go on to finish by calling them “a band who've established, in a rather passive-aggressive way, that they don't want to make the music that made them famous any more, but haven't really thought what they want to do instead.”

Somewhere along the way it seems that two major changes have taken place with this band. The first major change is that they have become majorly successful. This has led to a change in attitude towards lyrics and their embarrassment towards them. It seems that the band no longer worry that they never actually say anything that is interesting or even makes sense in their songs.

The second major change is that the band has gone through a change of dress sense. In the early days they were a true rock band with the long hair Cuban heeled boots and a generally scruffy look. They were the kind of guys that could have looked equally at home in a soup kitchen line as well as onstage at the Hammersmith Apollo? Is it still called that?

Anyway somewhere down the line it seems that they have become victims of “the stylist”. Someone’s job it is to pick what clothes people should wear and how they should have their hair. Now days Kings of Leon look like they are being sponsored in equal measure by Top Man and Allsaints.

Kings of Leon recently cancelled a US tour amid “problems” within the band. It seems that maybe after years of making substandard Sky Sports Super Sunday soundtracks they are going to get back to making the kind of music that isn’t popular with stag parties. Either that or just hang up their guitars and Top Man store cards. Fingers crossed x

London

The United Kingdom has experienced its worst few days of violence, rioting and looting for decades. I’m sure by now you know how it started in Tottenham on Saturday night. Since then it has spread across London to places such as Hackney, Peckham, Croydon, Enfield, Camden and many others with varying degrees of seriousness. The rioting has not been confined to the capital with scenes of moronic and selfish violence playing out in Birmingham and Liverpool as well as other small towns up and down the country.

There are many people trying to understand why and how this has happened. Some feel it is to do with the economic depravity in certain areas and within certain racial groups. Others feel the reason may be to do with racial issues involving the police and their stop and search policies. There are some people who still think this is a protest about Mark Duggan and the lack of information surrounding his killing. The most popular opinion is that these are simply copycat crimes being committed because the police have no power to stop it.

As well as people trying to understand why these events are occurring there are many armchair police commissioners sharing their “ideas” for how best to control the rioting. Some call for water cannons to be used. This is totally unsuitable for this situation as they are best deployed in situations where there are a big number of people in one small space. As in London for the last few nights the rioters have been spread out and trying to use this tactic would be completely useless not to even mention the fact that no one is trained to use them. Another popular and equally moronic idea is to use rubber bullets or “baton bullets” to control the crowds. These bullets were used in Northern Ireland during the 70s and 80s and were responsible for the death of a 12 year old girl Carol Ann Kelly. Not only could firing these bullets on crowds be counterproductive but deadly.

The most ridiculous idea being thrown around is the idea of involving the army. Some people are actually suggesting implementing Martial Law, something that is usually only ever seen during dramatic moments of a terrorist attack in an episode of 24 rather than being used to disrupt small groups of British youths. Having Army patrolling the streets would be a complete disaster and certainly fuel the flames of tension and not to mention set a scary and irreversible precedent.

I have been watching the news for nearly 24hours straight trying to get to grips with what’s going on where I live. The news has been a helpful tool for me to find out the latest news about what is happening across London and the rest of the UK. However it has also made several mistakes and been guilty of shoddy irresponsible broadcasting at certain times during these riots.

My attention has been focused on the BBC as I can’t bring myself to watch a Rupert Murdoch news broadcast. On several occasions the BBC News channel has repeated things that in my opinion could be stirring up tension and encouraging people to commit these crimes. My favourite irresponsible piece of information that is being said at the moment is that all the police cells in London are full. Now call me crazy but telling violent youths that if they go on to the streets and loot businesses and torch cars, there is a good chance they won’t be arrested as there is no room in London jails for them, is a fucking ridiculous thing to say on live television! I am a fan of the BBC and I feel it’s a vital service that should be protected at all costs but during live broadcasts there are very bad decisions made.

During the last 24 hours I have noticed time after time news reports saying this sentence “what does this mean for the capital economically and the Olympics in 2012”. This is a textbook example of the government and the broadcast media turning people into numbers and transforming a human issue into and economic one. What everyone seems to be missing so far is that these are people hurting other people. They are not just businesses affected by this, there are families being made homeless and peoples futures being taken away from them by violent selfish criminals.

I am now waiting for inevitable suggestion that either violent computer games, music videos or scary films are somehow to blame for the violence that has been seen across the country. This usually comes in the form of a conservative female MP suggesting that young people can’t separate reality and fiction like they are somehow hypnotised by these “evil” games and music and encouraged to go out and cause destruction.

Pressing Issues

So I heard that there was a tabloid newspaper doing things that were illegal and disturbing. Is it just me or is this not the absolute definition of the tabloid press rather than just a new development specific to one publication?

The tabloid press have for as long as I have been alive, been morally devoid and all round shits. The real question here isn’t why have they done these things, it’s why the fuck do we buy them in the first place?

There were so many reasons not to buy red top newspapers before this latest suicidal gesture from The News of the World and now I am going to list some of them.

• They are written by some of the worst, most right wing, classless, lying, bastards to ever touch a keyboard.
• They advertise themselves as being cheap.
• They haven’t ever featured a story, to my knowledge, that didn’t involve paedophiles or Chelsea football club.
• They have a strange taste for women from Essex that forget to take their clothing to photo shoots.
• They are written in part by Jeremy Clarkson

There have been calls to regulate the press from almost everyone who isn’t either working for morally bankrupt tabloid newspaper or is a child of Satan. This leading to the ridiculously flimsy argument that it would inhibit free speech and the press’s power to undergo investigative journalism. This really doesn’t stand up when you make the eventual comparison to broadcast journalism which is independently regulated and it performs at a much greater quality and efficiency than the antiquated printed press.

So it seems a little mad that people are so shocked that an organisation as corrupt and morally bereft such as any run by Rupert Murdoch, could do such things. It also shocks me that people expect anything less from an industry unregulated and struggling to generate any interest away from new media or broadcast media.

The fact of the matter is that newspapers are dying and have been for some time. This latest saga only seems to be speeding up the demise of the cancer riddled body that was once the pride and joy of British journalism.

Minority Report

Have you ever wanted to complain about something you watched at the cinema or on television? Chances are the answer is no, unless somehow you are reading this thinking it was written by someone who works at the Daily Mail or something.

So it’s safe to assume that if you don’t like something you are watching on television you simply turn it over or do something else. This isn’t enough of a choice for some people however as they desire a third option where they can complain about Eastenders being too sad or there being “blacks” or “queers” on the screen because this obviously makes everyone violently repulsed.

Having said all this I can somehow, almost, in a little tiny way forgive anyone who registers a complaint about a television show that they have seen. Even though most TV shows that could in any way possibly have anything remotely offensive in them take a great deal of care to warn people that this is the case. The reason I can somehow forgive is because people may flick over the channel while watching television with their children and catch a glimpse of something that might not be suitable or could be a little awkward within the confines of a mother son relationship television watching experience. Again having said this, the shows that could offend are carefully scheduled for times when they are least likely to be seen by children or idiots.

So when people complain about films that they have seen in the cinema it really doesn’t make sense to me. Think about the order of events that has taken place for them to end up registering a complaint. First of all they want to go to the cinema. Then they think, or more accurately don’t think about what film they want to see. I don’t know about you but I very very rarely go to the cinema and pay £8 or whatever it costs, without first at least vaguely researching the film I’m am about to invest money and time into. Then once you have researched it you make a decision based on what you have seen and heard about the film as to whether you would like to go and watch it. So it does amaze me that anyone after doing all of this would still find a reason to complain about a film being offensive or scary.

These words you see here have not come from the clear blue sky but have been inspired by hearing the news that a film that grossed well over $60million has received 24 complaints and somehow this is news worthy.

The film in question is The Lovely Bones about a young girl who has been murdered and watches over her family - and her killer - from heaven. She must weigh her desire for vengeance against her desire for her family to heal.

Now the film was given a 12a certificate which indicates there will be things in it that are not suitable for certain audiences. It seems to me to show a huge lack of common sense in anyone going to see this film solely based on the rating system and not using anything else such as the human brain to guide their decision making. However the title is slightly misleading but then again does include the word “bones”, which does suggest a certain degree of death.

So this leads me to believe that anyone who has researched the film, found out what it’s about, watched the trailers, goes to see the film and then complains that there is a dead girl in it is either a fucking moron or didn’t research it and chooses to go see the film in the manner of which a dribbling reanimated corpse might. While on the subject of dribbling reanimated corpses, sad news about Hugh Hefner’s wedding being cancelled.

So remember the next time you are sitting in a cinema or in front of the television stuffing your stupid face with shit food, that if you get offended by what you see in front of you then you are way too sensitive, or a prick. x

How the Jews Killed Jesus

This is part of the new education series that will start to appear on this blog from time to time. The first part is a detailed explanation of how the Jews killed Jesus.

Religion is of course a delicate subject as it brings with it a lot of historical baggage, some of which is contradictory and confusing. The aim of this is to get some kind of actual answer to how the Jews were responsible for his death.

It seems sometimes that some religious people are fucking mental. This is evident in the Louis Theroux documentray aired on the BBC a few months ago where he went back to visit the most hated family in america. A family that earnt its reputation by celebrating all of gods actions even the death of soldiers, by pickiting their funerals with signs like"God Hates Fags", "Thank God For Aids" and the one that interests us most here today "the Jews Killed Jesus".

The documentary consists of lots of bizzar interviews with quiet possibly deranged human beings on the subject of homosexuality, Death and The Jewish faith. At one point Louis comments upon seeing an anti Jewish video "that has to be one of the most offensive things I have ever seen".

From my own very limited understanding of all this I was under the illusion that Jesus was killed by the Roman empire. Research shows this to be a view in one case where I read that he was crucified, which was a Roman punishment for anyone who thought they were a king and did not respect that the ceaser was the highest position that could be held by man. Thats what it says in the gospel and we all know that means it must be true.

In fact in my favorite novel The Bible (Gods word dictated but not read:AD 70) it says this in John 19:12 as: "every one who makes himself a king sets himself against Caesar."

So far it is assumed that Jesus was killed by The Romans for being too big for his boots and that. Not giving props to the Caesar and going around giving it large. So where do the Jews come into the picture? Wasn't Jesus Jewish?

From what little I can find about why the Jewish are blamed, I have come to a conclusion. The Christian movement was getting grief from the Romans because they didn't want anyone else to be king other than Caesar. So what the Jesus/Christianity movement did was after being allied with the Jewish as part of an attempt to remove The Romans they decided to turn their back on them and blame them for the killing of Jesus in order to score points with the romans.

Now any Christians preaching that Judas was a traitor have a fucking cheek! Yeah he may have sold Jesus out to The Romans which lead to his eventual death by crusifiction but blaming not only a completely innocent religion but one that Jesus belonged to for the killing of the lord rather than the people who actually did it is a bit harsh.

So there we have it the Jewish are histories most very favorite scape goats. Fair play to them after all the bad shit they have been through they can still get up on stage and have a laugh.

Anti-social Network

Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Bebo, Faceparty, Badoo, Tagged, Deniers of the Holocaust, Haters of Everything and Racist Scrapbook are just some social networks you can become a part of.

A social network is a website where you create a profile and then share useless information about yourself with people you used to go to school with or once met at Dan's Birthday. You know that girl you thought was quite good looking for a ginger? Yeah, well people like that.

Facebook has to be the king of Social networks at this present time. It has over 600 million active users and according to Social Media Today, in April 2010 an estimated 41.6% of the U.S. population have a Facebook account.

It's scary to think how many people are using up their lives and devoting so much time to this website. Imagine if the time spent updating your status or commenting on John's photo of Claire slipping in a puddle of her own vomit at last years Christmas party, was used productively to help destroy the opt in donors list, save certain animals from extinction or to help stop Andrew Lloyd-Webber from appearing on television ever again.

It's not just the waste of time that makes Facebook anti-social it's the fact that it is used as a shameless self promoting tool. This is something I bet you haven't even thought about before but how many time do you see people with a status like this: "Just got back from skiing, now off to do a gig in Holland". Should we actually give a shit about what people we once met are doing with their pathetic, little and boring lives?

Uploading pictures seems to be the most cringe worthy part of the Facebook self promotion as it is controlled in most by the people who are in the photographs. By this I mean they only ever post pictures of themselves that they like or think they look good in. This adds to the false sense of reality that comes from the Facebook community by showing utterly unrealistic representations of people.

Several problems come from this unrealistic representation, for instance people being insanely jealous of Sheryl because she looks like she's lost some weight and you haven't, or James looking like he knows loads of really sexy women and you don't. The chances are that you don't know any sexy women but James doesn't either, he just took a photo with some of his sisters friends while out that night when you were at your parents house with the flu.

So to conclude this essay (and it is an essay). Facebook is something that wastes time that could be put to better use. It makes people jealous of other people for no reason as their lives are equally as pathetic as everyone else's. It helps faceless evil companies advertise directly to you by monitoring what groups you are a member of. Therefore exploiting you in the most sick way possible, perhaps even more sick than sneaking up on you in the middle of the night and farting directly on your face while you sleep.

So next time you log in to Facebook just think about all the little furry animals that will die from you doing so - oh and sleep well...

Films Have Lied To You

When I was growing up watching films I assumed my life would be full of exciting things, cowboys or pirates perhaps? All that has occurred is a slow, expensive and uneventful life.

Now enough about me lets talk about you. Films have really helped shape the way you expect your life to pan out, how you expect your perfect man or woman to be, how you expect to be rich and happy and ultimately you will have lived a worthwhile life. This I'm sure has not happened.

Take romance for example, in films women are swept of their feet and wined and dined. Often men will come to blows in order to win the affection of a certain female. Has this ever happened to you?

Films like Love actually make women think that they will fall in mad all encompassing big pink and squidgey love. More often than not they will have a series of failed relationships perhaps involving a few cases of light domestic abuse before settling for Darren from accounts because he has his own house and isn't addicted to crystal meth.

Another way in which films bullshit you is by making you think life is actually exciting. They show you guys with guns chasing each other down the street and blowing each others heads off. The closest we get to something that exciting is by driving slowly past a motor way traffic accident. Have you ever even seen a gun? I haven't.

Has good ever actually won over evil? Certain films would have you believe that at the end of the day the evil bad guys will be brought to justice, yet in real life they kill John Lennon and somehow Andrew Lloyd-Webber is allowed to live.

Perhaps the government should take steps to liven the country up. Maybe remove every time keeping device or release wild baboons in to central London. I'm just brainstorming here really.

Don't get me wrong I really do love film with it's power to help us escape and learn about the world around us, but I also fear its capability to delude and mislead people about how life will be.

They can inspire us to go out and do great things, make us laugh, make us cry, make us think, make us jump, but also make us believe that America can save the world, which it can't really. Can it?

God Made Me An Atheist

Religion could be the most restrictive and negative thing that anyone can have in their lives, more so than not having the ability open your mouth or not being able to stop repeatedly hitting yourself in the head with a cricket bat.   It dictates what you can't do and seldom gives you a break. It is responsible for murder, war, the spreading of fatal diseases and Sarah Palin.  

 There is no evidence for the existence of god which makes me wonder why people kill and have been killed in the name of it.   I'm sorry there is evidence I hear you say, the bible. Of course any book written thousands of years ago is a good text book to lay down the way you should live your life in this ever changing diverse and modern world. Silly me. 

 Anyway back to the point. This week in the news appeared a rather bizarre article about a 19 year old, American, college basketball star who was kicked off the team and out of the college all together.   Now you must be thinking why? You are probably thinking he shot someone, raped someone, made racial remarks to a fellow baller? He did none of these.   Do you know what he did? He slept with his girlfriend. That's it That's all he did. They were both consenting and of legal age. They were in a relationship and they were in love.

 The reason he was kicked out was due to the deep religious beliefs of the school were sex before marriage is deemed as bad as running round the town shouting Jesus is a prat.

So put down those bibles and start living your life the way you want to, free from guilt and constraint. Or don't, its up to you.

 Other people in the news creating religious based controversy this week include that fashion guy John Galliano telling some Jewish people their grand parents should have been gassed and when Tony Blair said he hates the Jedi. Only one of these is true.  

Take Me Out

You remember that feeling when you were trying to desperately fall in love with someone by taking them out on "Dates", buying them things that you think will make you seem more attractive to them? No? Oh don't worry about it then ...

Seriously though the days of going on dates seem to be dead as now we can all find love on our old mate Television!

Take Me Out is a relitively new show where some slightly bedraggled, moronic, plain Jane women judge an equally irritating little prick who gyrates in front of them in order to catch their eye in a display not too dissimilar to a giant wanking peacock with learning difficulties.

Anyway the format of the show works like this: a guy is introduced to the "ladies" and after answering questions from the host and showing some videos of the guy(usually being "wacky" or "crazy"), the women decide whether they like him or not by leaving their light on or turning it off and so creating one of the best catchphrases of all time "no likey, no lighty!"

If by the end of all the humiliating gyrating and cocking about there are still any desperate women with their lights left on the guy gets to chose which one of the beautiful chavs he wants to take out on a date.

The worst thing about this show isn't its shit format or the 2 dimensional idiots they have on the show but the host. Paddy Mcguiness reels off pun after cliche after cringe infested link to camera. He seems to have as much genuine whit and character as a 3 month old used sanitary towel.

The only way this show could be any worse is if it somehow managed to spawn a spin off hosted by Catherine Tate, where former contestants come back and haunt the audience with stories of how they got married and then give a detailed description of how really happy and amazing their lives were until the day he left because he realised that she was devoid of any kind of personality or intelligence.

That actually sounds like a show I would watch, its such a shame I just made it up.

Why I Love The Black Keys

Yes its a positive blog for once. I know if anyone reads this blog then they will know by now that I rarely have anything positive to say that isn't steeped heavily in irony and sarcasm. However this week I am going to get all of my smiles and happy thoughts out for all the world to see.

So the Black keys have been around for a few years now and have amassed some really good albums in that time including their debut bluesy feeling The Big Come Up, Attack and Release and most recently Brothers. I have massively enjoyed all of the albums so far but none quite like Brothers.

The reason for this is not really known to me as it follows much the same formula that has been used in the past albums but somehow this time around its just much better. I know what you are thinking "this album came out ages ago. why is he talking about it now?" Ill answer that question in a minute.

First I feel I should point newcomers in the direction of the black keys latest music video which I am a big fan of. Its called Howlin' For You, the song its self is pretty good but is made all the better for a rather brilliant video to go with it. You can see it here.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLSpj7q6_mM

So to answer the question of why I am talking about it now. The reason is that when I first heard the album I was not a fan of it in any way. I feel this is the case with a lot of albums in the past that don't get given a chance to grow and be loved by their audience. A classic example of this is The Rolling Stone's Exile on Main Street as when it was released Rolling Stone had this to say about it, "there are songs that are better, there are songs that are worse, and others you'll probably lift the needle for when the time is due." This album has since been celebrated by the exact same people who panned it when it came out.

Some other tracks to listen out for on the album are unknown Brother, The only one and actually all the other tracks...

The Idiot Box

It seems too easy sometime to have a go at television with its need to appeal to as many people as it possibly can. This means having to appeal to idiots and geniuses alike, so sometimes you do get a slight lean towards the idiots because thats just easier innit.

Take the joke of British terrestrial broadcasting, Channel FIVE for example here with its lightweight throwaway celebrity news coverage and its soft porn at 3am on a Sunday morning. These are reasons for the channel's bad reputation and possible the reason it's still going.

Lets take a look at a day in the life of Channel FIVE: The channel awakes to the sounds of children playing and singing nursery rhymes.Five wipes its sleepy eyes in time for 9:15 am when reactionary day time chat show The Wright Stuff kicks off. Usually such heavy topics are discussed such as "Has Hamza Damaged Islam" where they get the views of renowned religious expert John Barrowman to help further enhance the relationship between throwaway homosexual celebrity and religious war.

Casual racism seems to be a popular topic, where Johnny Wright or whatever his name is makes jokes about getting all the illegal immigrants to power the country by some kind of mass slave exercise bikeathon, oh what will he think of next?

Maybe I'm being a little harsh on them because there are worse channels on digital TV than channel FIVE, such as The God channel( which has yet to have an interview with God), Nazi TV and Rape HD.

Gray Has The Keys To Your Heart

Andy Gray isn't a pioneer for women's equal rights! Shocking news I know but just try and get your head around it because its true. Right well have you managed to get over your initial shock?

So Andy Gray, a former football player and I suppose now a former football pundit, commentator and a television presenter called Richard Keys were recorded saying sexist things about a female assistant referee during a broadcast on Sky sports at the weekend.

Gray and Keys did not realise that their microphones were left on as they made sexist jokes about the female assistant including "someone needs to go down there and teach her the offside rule" and then "Yeah I know can you believe that, a female linesman" and my favourite quote "ah the games gone mad".

The media have gone crazy with the story reporting it on both the front and back pages of their newspapers. The BBC website even has the news of Andy Gray being sacked from Sky ahead of a story about three people being killed in Egyptian protests and one about a UK soldier being killed in the Helmand province. This ultimately settling the age old debate on whether Britain's love football more than war. I had my money on War.

Anyway lets get back to the story and how everyone is so shocked and outraged by it all. There are a few things people need to remember about the people who made these comments. The first being that they are football pundits and therefore are not going to be winning any awards for Britain's most liberal man and the second is they are as thick as a big piece of shit that you have to strain out when you have eaten nothing but boiled eggs for a week and that urges you to look around into the toilet to check for blood.

I must say to be fair to the pair that they didn't say it on air they said it like a couple of bigoted cowards behind her back, so in a way they didn't actually want to offend her did they?See nice guys really.

See just another misunderstanding in the football world I think.

Funkywongapigbet.com

The other day I was looking at the adverts on the tube and I noticed something, they are shit.   There are a few reasons for this, the first being they are of no interest to me as one of them is for moonpig.com, which might just be the worst thing in the world next to the Iraq war or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The second reason is the shear lack of imagination in every single advert. Let's take the moon pig advert as an example and analyse it for comic affect. It feels like the person who came up with the idea for the company thought "ooooh lets be all random and come up with a funny animal related greetings card website." You know how those kind of meetings go if you have ever been asked to "Brainstorm" oh sorry I mean "Mindmap" ideas. 

You, if you're like me have been sick by now hopefully over your boss's stupid little face. Anyway yeah... err... what was I saying? Oh that's it, companies like "Moonpig.com" or "Funkypigeon.com" are really fun and worthwhile and provide a valuable service for all idiots.       

The third thing is the people who make them think everyone is stupid. I saw an advert for a popular book makers with a guy holding money in his hand as if he has won big. Do they really expect us to think "Oh well he had won so I will win too!" it really is stupid - I spent loads of money in that fucking betting shop!

The Kids Are Not All Right

I am writing this on the tube on my iPhone and I know what you are thinking, "ooh look at him with his flash phone!" and you are right but that's not important right now. (since writing this I have had my Iphone taken from me in a knife related incident)

What is important is the 5 or 6 year old girl who is eating a mcdonalds double cheese burger in front of me. I don't mean to be harsh but let's just say she is fat. She isn't huge enough not to fit on the chair but something is wrong here as she spits out the Gherkin presumably because it's a "vegetable".

This is nothing new as we know Britain's kids are getting fatter, this girl has just moved on to her second burger and we haven't even got to Kings Cross yet from Finsbury park on the Victoria line!

At Kings Cross now where she is tucking in to her chips. This is all happening while the mother is sitting next to her with a blank expression on her face as if her quickly Expanding daughter is nothing to be concerned about.

Leaving Kings Cross now and she has finished the chips. Oh what's that ..... Oh yes it's chicken nuggets. This girl really can put it away. Nearly at Euston and I have to get off soon.

Off the tube now and wondering how much more she ate. Maybe more chips or even an apple pie but I guess I'll never know.