FYI as an American douche would say, PPE is an abbreviation for Personal Protective Equipment.
Southern Railway have announced a new type of train they will be introducing on certain routes in the near future. The new and "improved" train boasts more room for passengers, easier and more flexible space for wheelchair and bicycle users and errrr no toilets. Sorry? What was that? Err, yeah no toilets on these new trains. Well, what if someone needs to go to the toilet while they are on the train then? “Well, we will only be using these trains on certain routes that will be under half an hour”. Oh well, that's fine then, sorry I even mentioned it.
This however doesn't seem to be the case at all, as the trains are scheduled to be used between Portsmouth and Brighton which take around an hour and a half. But hold on - you said they were only going to be used on short journeys of half an hour or less? “Well, I don't think I said that”. No you definitely just said that earlier, but now you're going to use them between Portsmouth and Brighton even though that journey takes about an hour and a half? “But I...” (starts to sniff) Well don't cry.... I mean, just think about it next time yeah? Come on its not that bad just put some toilets in them it will be fine.
Anyway, that rather bizarre conversation aside, this really does have to be quite a terrible idea. Just imagine sitting on the new train after having enjoyed a lovely day trip to Brighton with the family. You're tired, it’s been a long day you just want to relax and have a nice chat with your Nan. You look around you and you see more old people. You look to your left and it's a knitting club’s annual day out. You look to your right and overhear a conversation about how the minibus broke down and the Portsmouth based care home had to use the train to get back from its weekly prune tasting course. You look behind you and you see a small child drinking a 2 litre bottle of water. Finally, a confused father of 3 walks past you holding a nappy and then suddenly you realise there are no toilets on the train.
You start to get a little edgy and regret those extra 3 pints of beer you had at the pub. You start trying to think of possible alternatives to a toilet like a policeman's hat, but ah… that's only for pregnant women. You consider telling the officer that your wife is pregnant and she needs to make use of his hat. You broach this subject with the wife and she assumes this is somehow an attempt to call her fat so you think of another idea. You think maybe I’ll go in the bin but then you remember you can’t go in front of other people, and that's why you have used the cubicle in the men's toilets for the last 30 years of your life.
You start to run out of ideas as you consider using your daughters book bag to hide your mothers shame. But, in the end you have to give in to the inevitable truth that soon you will have to say that one sentence you thought you would never have to say in your entire life " Nan, if you need to go just shit in my hat".
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