Take Me Out

You remember that feeling when you were trying to desperately fall in love with someone by taking them out on "Dates", buying them things that you think will make you seem more attractive to them? No? Oh don't worry about it then ...

Seriously though the days of going on dates seem to be dead as now we can all find love on our old mate Television!

Take Me Out is a relitively new show where some slightly bedraggled, moronic, plain Jane women judge an equally irritating little prick who gyrates in front of them in order to catch their eye in a display not too dissimilar to a giant wanking peacock with learning difficulties.

Anyway the format of the show works like this: a guy is introduced to the "ladies" and after answering questions from the host and showing some videos of the guy(usually being "wacky" or "crazy"), the women decide whether they like him or not by leaving their light on or turning it off and so creating one of the best catchphrases of all time "no likey, no lighty!"

If by the end of all the humiliating gyrating and cocking about there are still any desperate women with their lights left on the guy gets to chose which one of the beautiful chavs he wants to take out on a date.

The worst thing about this show isn't its shit format or the 2 dimensional idiots they have on the show but the host. Paddy Mcguiness reels off pun after cliche after cringe infested link to camera. He seems to have as much genuine whit and character as a 3 month old used sanitary towel.

The only way this show could be any worse is if it somehow managed to spawn a spin off hosted by Catherine Tate, where former contestants come back and haunt the audience with stories of how they got married and then give a detailed description of how really happy and amazing their lives were until the day he left because he realised that she was devoid of any kind of personality or intelligence.

That actually sounds like a show I would watch, its such a shame I just made it up.

Why I Love The Black Keys

Yes its a positive blog for once. I know if anyone reads this blog then they will know by now that I rarely have anything positive to say that isn't steeped heavily in irony and sarcasm. However this week I am going to get all of my smiles and happy thoughts out for all the world to see.

So the Black keys have been around for a few years now and have amassed some really good albums in that time including their debut bluesy feeling The Big Come Up, Attack and Release and most recently Brothers. I have massively enjoyed all of the albums so far but none quite like Brothers.

The reason for this is not really known to me as it follows much the same formula that has been used in the past albums but somehow this time around its just much better. I know what you are thinking "this album came out ages ago. why is he talking about it now?" Ill answer that question in a minute.

First I feel I should point newcomers in the direction of the black keys latest music video which I am a big fan of. Its called Howlin' For You, the song its self is pretty good but is made all the better for a rather brilliant video to go with it. You can see it here.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLSpj7q6_mM

So to answer the question of why I am talking about it now. The reason is that when I first heard the album I was not a fan of it in any way. I feel this is the case with a lot of albums in the past that don't get given a chance to grow and be loved by their audience. A classic example of this is The Rolling Stone's Exile on Main Street as when it was released Rolling Stone had this to say about it, "there are songs that are better, there are songs that are worse, and others you'll probably lift the needle for when the time is due." This album has since been celebrated by the exact same people who panned it when it came out.

Some other tracks to listen out for on the album are unknown Brother, The only one and actually all the other tracks...

The Idiot Box

It seems too easy sometime to have a go at television with its need to appeal to as many people as it possibly can. This means having to appeal to idiots and geniuses alike, so sometimes you do get a slight lean towards the idiots because thats just easier innit.

Take the joke of British terrestrial broadcasting, Channel FIVE for example here with its lightweight throwaway celebrity news coverage and its soft porn at 3am on a Sunday morning. These are reasons for the channel's bad reputation and possible the reason it's still going.

Lets take a look at a day in the life of Channel FIVE: The channel awakes to the sounds of children playing and singing nursery rhymes.Five wipes its sleepy eyes in time for 9:15 am when reactionary day time chat show The Wright Stuff kicks off. Usually such heavy topics are discussed such as "Has Hamza Damaged Islam" where they get the views of renowned religious expert John Barrowman to help further enhance the relationship between throwaway homosexual celebrity and religious war.

Casual racism seems to be a popular topic, where Johnny Wright or whatever his name is makes jokes about getting all the illegal immigrants to power the country by some kind of mass slave exercise bikeathon, oh what will he think of next?

Maybe I'm being a little harsh on them because there are worse channels on digital TV than channel FIVE, such as The God channel( which has yet to have an interview with God), Nazi TV and Rape HD.

Gray Has The Keys To Your Heart

Andy Gray isn't a pioneer for women's equal rights! Shocking news I know but just try and get your head around it because its true. Right well have you managed to get over your initial shock?

So Andy Gray, a former football player and I suppose now a former football pundit, commentator and a television presenter called Richard Keys were recorded saying sexist things about a female assistant referee during a broadcast on Sky sports at the weekend.

Gray and Keys did not realise that their microphones were left on as they made sexist jokes about the female assistant including "someone needs to go down there and teach her the offside rule" and then "Yeah I know can you believe that, a female linesman" and my favourite quote "ah the games gone mad".

The media have gone crazy with the story reporting it on both the front and back pages of their newspapers. The BBC website even has the news of Andy Gray being sacked from Sky ahead of a story about three people being killed in Egyptian protests and one about a UK soldier being killed in the Helmand province. This ultimately settling the age old debate on whether Britain's love football more than war. I had my money on War.

Anyway lets get back to the story and how everyone is so shocked and outraged by it all. There are a few things people need to remember about the people who made these comments. The first being that they are football pundits and therefore are not going to be winning any awards for Britain's most liberal man and the second is they are as thick as a big piece of shit that you have to strain out when you have eaten nothing but boiled eggs for a week and that urges you to look around into the toilet to check for blood.

I must say to be fair to the pair that they didn't say it on air they said it like a couple of bigoted cowards behind her back, so in a way they didn't actually want to offend her did they?See nice guys really.

See just another misunderstanding in the football world I think.

Funkywongapigbet.com

The other day I was looking at the adverts on the tube and I noticed something, they are shit.   There are a few reasons for this, the first being they are of no interest to me as one of them is for moonpig.com, which might just be the worst thing in the world next to the Iraq war or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The second reason is the shear lack of imagination in every single advert. Let's take the moon pig advert as an example and analyse it for comic affect. It feels like the person who came up with the idea for the company thought "ooooh lets be all random and come up with a funny animal related greetings card website." You know how those kind of meetings go if you have ever been asked to "Brainstorm" oh sorry I mean "Mindmap" ideas. 

You, if you're like me have been sick by now hopefully over your boss's stupid little face. Anyway yeah... err... what was I saying? Oh that's it, companies like "Moonpig.com" or "Funkypigeon.com" are really fun and worthwhile and provide a valuable service for all idiots.       

The third thing is the people who make them think everyone is stupid. I saw an advert for a popular book makers with a guy holding money in his hand as if he has won big. Do they really expect us to think "Oh well he had won so I will win too!" it really is stupid - I spent loads of money in that fucking betting shop!

The Kids Are Not All Right

I am writing this on the tube on my iPhone and I know what you are thinking, "ooh look at him with his flash phone!" and you are right but that's not important right now. (since writing this I have had my Iphone taken from me in a knife related incident)

What is important is the 5 or 6 year old girl who is eating a mcdonalds double cheese burger in front of me. I don't mean to be harsh but let's just say she is fat. She isn't huge enough not to fit on the chair but something is wrong here as she spits out the Gherkin presumably because it's a "vegetable".

This is nothing new as we know Britain's kids are getting fatter, this girl has just moved on to her second burger and we haven't even got to Kings Cross yet from Finsbury park on the Victoria line!

At Kings Cross now where she is tucking in to her chips. This is all happening while the mother is sitting next to her with a blank expression on her face as if her quickly Expanding daughter is nothing to be concerned about.

Leaving Kings Cross now and she has finished the chips. Oh what's that ..... Oh yes it's chicken nuggets. This girl really can put it away. Nearly at Euston and I have to get off soon.

Off the tube now and wondering how much more she ate. Maybe more chips or even an apple pie but I guess I'll never know.

Snow Worries

So it snowed and everyone died in a terrible cold water related accident.

That is what you would think had happend if you had watched any rolling news channel or picked up a news paper in the last few weeks. The truth is that the country is totally unprepared to cope with a foot of snow and even an inch in some areas.

Every year seems to be the same as local councils somehow manage to forget that every year snow needs to be taken seriously and precautions need to be taken.

Well, you know its easy for me to sit here and critiscise the government, simply because they are shit.

Dont get me wrong I understand that it must be difficult to predict when it will snow, where it will snow and how much it will snow because its not like we have people who's only job it is to handle this is it?