Minority Report

Have you ever wanted to complain about something you watched at the cinema or on television? Chances are the answer is no, unless somehow you are reading this thinking it was written by someone who works at the Daily Mail or something.

So it’s safe to assume that if you don’t like something you are watching on television you simply turn it over or do something else. This isn’t enough of a choice for some people however as they desire a third option where they can complain about Eastenders being too sad or there being “blacks” or “queers” on the screen because this obviously makes everyone violently repulsed.

Having said all this I can somehow, almost, in a little tiny way forgive anyone who registers a complaint about a television show that they have seen. Even though most TV shows that could in any way possibly have anything remotely offensive in them take a great deal of care to warn people that this is the case. The reason I can somehow forgive is because people may flick over the channel while watching television with their children and catch a glimpse of something that might not be suitable or could be a little awkward within the confines of a mother son relationship television watching experience. Again having said this, the shows that could offend are carefully scheduled for times when they are least likely to be seen by children or idiots.

So when people complain about films that they have seen in the cinema it really doesn’t make sense to me. Think about the order of events that has taken place for them to end up registering a complaint. First of all they want to go to the cinema. Then they think, or more accurately don’t think about what film they want to see. I don’t know about you but I very very rarely go to the cinema and pay £8 or whatever it costs, without first at least vaguely researching the film I’m am about to invest money and time into. Then once you have researched it you make a decision based on what you have seen and heard about the film as to whether you would like to go and watch it. So it does amaze me that anyone after doing all of this would still find a reason to complain about a film being offensive or scary.

These words you see here have not come from the clear blue sky but have been inspired by hearing the news that a film that grossed well over $60million has received 24 complaints and somehow this is news worthy.

The film in question is The Lovely Bones about a young girl who has been murdered and watches over her family - and her killer - from heaven. She must weigh her desire for vengeance against her desire for her family to heal.

Now the film was given a 12a certificate which indicates there will be things in it that are not suitable for certain audiences. It seems to me to show a huge lack of common sense in anyone going to see this film solely based on the rating system and not using anything else such as the human brain to guide their decision making. However the title is slightly misleading but then again does include the word “bones”, which does suggest a certain degree of death.

So this leads me to believe that anyone who has researched the film, found out what it’s about, watched the trailers, goes to see the film and then complains that there is a dead girl in it is either a fucking moron or didn’t research it and chooses to go see the film in the manner of which a dribbling reanimated corpse might. While on the subject of dribbling reanimated corpses, sad news about Hugh Hefner’s wedding being cancelled.

So remember the next time you are sitting in a cinema or in front of the television stuffing your stupid face with shit food, that if you get offended by what you see in front of you then you are way too sensitive, or a prick. x

How the Jews Killed Jesus

This is part of the new education series that will start to appear on this blog from time to time. The first part is a detailed explanation of how the Jews killed Jesus.

Religion is of course a delicate subject as it brings with it a lot of historical baggage, some of which is contradictory and confusing. The aim of this is to get some kind of actual answer to how the Jews were responsible for his death.

It seems sometimes that some religious people are fucking mental. This is evident in the Louis Theroux documentray aired on the BBC a few months ago where he went back to visit the most hated family in america. A family that earnt its reputation by celebrating all of gods actions even the death of soldiers, by pickiting their funerals with signs like"God Hates Fags", "Thank God For Aids" and the one that interests us most here today "the Jews Killed Jesus".

The documentary consists of lots of bizzar interviews with quiet possibly deranged human beings on the subject of homosexuality, Death and The Jewish faith. At one point Louis comments upon seeing an anti Jewish video "that has to be one of the most offensive things I have ever seen".

From my own very limited understanding of all this I was under the illusion that Jesus was killed by the Roman empire. Research shows this to be a view in one case where I read that he was crucified, which was a Roman punishment for anyone who thought they were a king and did not respect that the ceaser was the highest position that could be held by man. Thats what it says in the gospel and we all know that means it must be true.

In fact in my favorite novel The Bible (Gods word dictated but not read:AD 70) it says this in John 19:12 as: "every one who makes himself a king sets himself against Caesar."

So far it is assumed that Jesus was killed by The Romans for being too big for his boots and that. Not giving props to the Caesar and going around giving it large. So where do the Jews come into the picture? Wasn't Jesus Jewish?

From what little I can find about why the Jewish are blamed, I have come to a conclusion. The Christian movement was getting grief from the Romans because they didn't want anyone else to be king other than Caesar. So what the Jesus/Christianity movement did was after being allied with the Jewish as part of an attempt to remove The Romans they decided to turn their back on them and blame them for the killing of Jesus in order to score points with the romans.

Now any Christians preaching that Judas was a traitor have a fucking cheek! Yeah he may have sold Jesus out to The Romans which lead to his eventual death by crusifiction but blaming not only a completely innocent religion but one that Jesus belonged to for the killing of the lord rather than the people who actually did it is a bit harsh.

So there we have it the Jewish are histories most very favorite scape goats. Fair play to them after all the bad shit they have been through they can still get up on stage and have a laugh.

Take Me Out

You remember that feeling when you were trying to desperately fall in love with someone by taking them out on "Dates", buying them things that you think will make you seem more attractive to them? No? Oh don't worry about it then ...

Seriously though the days of going on dates seem to be dead as now we can all find love on our old mate Television!

Take Me Out is a relitively new show where some slightly bedraggled, moronic, plain Jane women judge an equally irritating little prick who gyrates in front of them in order to catch their eye in a display not too dissimilar to a giant wanking peacock with learning difficulties.

Anyway the format of the show works like this: a guy is introduced to the "ladies" and after answering questions from the host and showing some videos of the guy(usually being "wacky" or "crazy"), the women decide whether they like him or not by leaving their light on or turning it off and so creating one of the best catchphrases of all time "no likey, no lighty!"

If by the end of all the humiliating gyrating and cocking about there are still any desperate women with their lights left on the guy gets to chose which one of the beautiful chavs he wants to take out on a date.

The worst thing about this show isn't its shit format or the 2 dimensional idiots they have on the show but the host. Paddy Mcguiness reels off pun after cliche after cringe infested link to camera. He seems to have as much genuine whit and character as a 3 month old used sanitary towel.

The only way this show could be any worse is if it somehow managed to spawn a spin off hosted by Catherine Tate, where former contestants come back and haunt the audience with stories of how they got married and then give a detailed description of how really happy and amazing their lives were until the day he left because he realised that she was devoid of any kind of personality or intelligence.

That actually sounds like a show I would watch, its such a shame I just made it up.