Gray Has The Keys To Your Heart

Andy Gray isn't a pioneer for women's equal rights! Shocking news I know but just try and get your head around it because its true. Right well have you managed to get over your initial shock?

So Andy Gray, a former football player and I suppose now a former football pundit, commentator and a television presenter called Richard Keys were recorded saying sexist things about a female assistant referee during a broadcast on Sky sports at the weekend.

Gray and Keys did not realise that their microphones were left on as they made sexist jokes about the female assistant including "someone needs to go down there and teach her the offside rule" and then "Yeah I know can you believe that, a female linesman" and my favourite quote "ah the games gone mad".

The media have gone crazy with the story reporting it on both the front and back pages of their newspapers. The BBC website even has the news of Andy Gray being sacked from Sky ahead of a story about three people being killed in Egyptian protests and one about a UK soldier being killed in the Helmand province. This ultimately settling the age old debate on whether Britain's love football more than war. I had my money on War.

Anyway lets get back to the story and how everyone is so shocked and outraged by it all. There are a few things people need to remember about the people who made these comments. The first being that they are football pundits and therefore are not going to be winning any awards for Britain's most liberal man and the second is they are as thick as a big piece of shit that you have to strain out when you have eaten nothing but boiled eggs for a week and that urges you to look around into the toilet to check for blood.

I must say to be fair to the pair that they didn't say it on air they said it like a couple of bigoted cowards behind her back, so in a way they didn't actually want to offend her did they?See nice guys really.

See just another misunderstanding in the football world I think.

Funkywongapigbet.com

The other day I was looking at the adverts on the tube and I noticed something, they are shit.   There are a few reasons for this, the first being they are of no interest to me as one of them is for moonpig.com, which might just be the worst thing in the world next to the Iraq war or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The second reason is the shear lack of imagination in every single advert. Let's take the moon pig advert as an example and analyse it for comic affect. It feels like the person who came up with the idea for the company thought "ooooh lets be all random and come up with a funny animal related greetings card website." You know how those kind of meetings go if you have ever been asked to "Brainstorm" oh sorry I mean "Mindmap" ideas. 

You, if you're like me have been sick by now hopefully over your boss's stupid little face. Anyway yeah... err... what was I saying? Oh that's it, companies like "Moonpig.com" or "Funkypigeon.com" are really fun and worthwhile and provide a valuable service for all idiots.       

The third thing is the people who make them think everyone is stupid. I saw an advert for a popular book makers with a guy holding money in his hand as if he has won big. Do they really expect us to think "Oh well he had won so I will win too!" it really is stupid - I spent loads of money in that fucking betting shop!

The Kids Are Not All Right

I am writing this on the tube on my iPhone and I know what you are thinking, "ooh look at him with his flash phone!" and you are right but that's not important right now. (since writing this I have had my Iphone taken from me in a knife related incident)

What is important is the 5 or 6 year old girl who is eating a mcdonalds double cheese burger in front of me. I don't mean to be harsh but let's just say she is fat. She isn't huge enough not to fit on the chair but something is wrong here as she spits out the Gherkin presumably because it's a "vegetable".

This is nothing new as we know Britain's kids are getting fatter, this girl has just moved on to her second burger and we haven't even got to Kings Cross yet from Finsbury park on the Victoria line!

At Kings Cross now where she is tucking in to her chips. This is all happening while the mother is sitting next to her with a blank expression on her face as if her quickly Expanding daughter is nothing to be concerned about.

Leaving Kings Cross now and she has finished the chips. Oh what's that ..... Oh yes it's chicken nuggets. This girl really can put it away. Nearly at Euston and I have to get off soon.

Off the tube now and wondering how much more she ate. Maybe more chips or even an apple pie but I guess I'll never know.

Snow Worries

So it snowed and everyone died in a terrible cold water related accident.

That is what you would think had happend if you had watched any rolling news channel or picked up a news paper in the last few weeks. The truth is that the country is totally unprepared to cope with a foot of snow and even an inch in some areas.

Every year seems to be the same as local councils somehow manage to forget that every year snow needs to be taken seriously and precautions need to be taken.

Well, you know its easy for me to sit here and critiscise the government, simply because they are shit.

Dont get me wrong I understand that it must be difficult to predict when it will snow, where it will snow and how much it will snow because its not like we have people who's only job it is to handle this is it?

Americant But English Can

It seems to me when I look at the best television shows coming out of America within the last few years a hell of a lot of the actors are English or British.

The first series that comes to mind is The Wire. Not only was it and maybe still is the best show on television but it featured a wealth of British actors in major roles.

The first and most important is the character Jimi who is played by Dominic West. He is not only sort of the lead character but a bloody good and important one too.

For those who haven't seen the series first of all, what the fuck have you been doing with yourself for the last 8 years! Secondly James Mcnaulty is a sort of typical American/Irish piss bead. He enjoys such things as drinking his trademark Jameson whisky, pissing on railway lines, befriending stick up kids and singing along to the pogues. He is the glue that holds the show together for 4 of it's 5 series.

This is not the only character in this great show to hail from Britain as Stringer bell, (Idris Elba) the smart business school educated and drug dealing gangster is somehow from London and recently had his own show Luther, Which received mixed reviews.

Now I know what you who haven't seen the series are thinking, these guys must play bumbling Hugh Grant types in this series but it is the complete opposite as they play full blooded beef jerky chewing and budlight swigging Americans! Well maybe not bud light but they defiantly are convincing.

These are not the only people that pop up in the show who are of British origin by any means. The eventual mayor of the city of Baltimore, Vincent carcetti is also a British boy having been born and lived in Ireland for much of his life. Also having a major role in that show queer as folk. Remember that from the 90s?

Other notable English or British actors toilig in the American T.V business include Hugh laurie in house, Sonia Walger in lost, Damien Lewis in the brilliant Band Of Brothers and Natasha mcelhone in Californication, to name a few.

Long gone are the days where actors like Christopher Ecklestone have to play annoying English guys like in gone in 60 seconds, which also features Vinnie Jones for some reason. British actors are right up there in both American tv and American film.

I could go on about Stephen Graham in the new Boardwalk Empire and all the other British actors in Band Of Brothers but you would get bored so I won't.

Was He a Good Guy?

Yes he tried to blow up the houses of parliament but would it have been a good thing and by celebrating his death are we doing the right thing? Also do we actually celebrate his death or has this day become like Christmas and just a money making commercial rip off with shit fireworks?

I have started with a lot of questions in this blog and to be honest I would be surprised if I managed to answer any let alone all of them.

So I start the only way I can and that is with my personal opinion about this subject. This however is harder than I thought it would be, being that I actually have very little knowledge of these events. Now I know what you are thinking this is most out of the ordinary for one of my blogs and I agree, I usually am in possession of all of the salient pieces of information but this time I'm gonna wing it!

As I understand guy fawks was a bit of a bin laden of his time and thought "I don't like those politicians so I'm gonna blow them up". This is where my facts run out.

I have found out since typing the first half of this essay, and it is an essay, that Fawkes wanted to kill the king for religious reasons.

Now I was annoyed when I discovered this as I was thinking he was a guy who wanted to show something to the world and change it for the better, where as in reality him and his mates on parliament hill just wanted a guy, or more accurately a girl and even more accurately the kings daughter, who followed their deluded religious beliefs, in the hot seat.

As we all know he and his gang did't succeed in their mission. The punishment I feel was harsh even taking into account that they tried to kill the king.

Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself. Guy was captured and tortured until he gave up the names of his accomplices, which he did after days of unimaginable pain. The sentence they were handed was death after being found guilty of high treason.

However the king was pissed and decided to not only kill them but quite literally cut their genitals off and burn them in front of their eyes, followed by a spot of hang draw and quartering, followed by bowel removal and ending in making them watch an entire series of the Catherine Tate show. One of these punishments is made up.

Guy Fawkes didn't fancy any of the above so took a dive off the top of the hanging gallery and broke his neck.

The king was a little annoyed by this and decided to still inflict the punishment on Guy even though he was actually dead and would no longer be bothered by it.

Well now for the conclusion... Guy Fawkes was a bit naughty trying to kill the king but cutting a guys nuts off and making him watch them burn? Seems harsh.

Cheryl Cole "the nation's new sweetheart"

We all love her don't we? The way she is on T.V every 7.8 seconds in adverts talking on The X factor and crying on chat shows because her life has been so hard. BOOO HOOO!

However all that aside here is something most people are not aware of about our new Princess Diana.

Cheryl started her tabloid life in the year of our lord 2002 when she was herself competing on a reality show and finally ending up in the manufactured pop group Girls Aloud. It wasn't until the following year that she really started to show her true colours(that last sentence will be funny when you read the next bit).

Yes.. Anyway I was talking about how Cheryl "the nations new sweetheart" Cole , got herself into the papers. On 11 January 2003 Cheryl Cole then known as Cheryl Tweedy(I know its complicated but do persevere), was involved in an "altercation" with a nightclub toilet attendant named Sophie Amogbokpa in Guildford. Cheryl "the nations new sweetheart" Cole was subsequently charged with racially aggravated assault. You want to know why she was charged with racially aggravated assault, well I will tell you why because she called Sophie Amogbokpa a "Caribbean jigaboo" and a "black bitch".

Now I have a problem with all of this but the fact that she used the words "Caribbean jigaboo" shows that it wasn't a crime of passion and it just slipped out but a carefully planned and rehearsed verbal and physical attack. I mean who in the heat of passion during a fight would have a quick enough brain to think of such a specific racial insult and we all know she is from Newcastle so isn't the brightest of people either.

So there you have it England the nations sweetheart is a Racist. Its true you cant argue with a blog because it wouldn't be on the internet if it wasn't true!

The jury found her guilty of assault occasioning actual bodily harm, but cleared her of racially aggravated assault.